When it comes to the end of another year, I tend to freak
out. Yep. We’re talkin’ panic attack-mode,
internal chaos, drive myself crazy
kind of freak out. Maybe it’s because I know a new year means a new opportunity
to set a new resolution I will ultimately fail at. Another summer I don’t
dare buy a bathing suit and refuse to step on the scale. Another year of not
getting out of debt or living my dream. The reality is that a new year is upon
us and there’s nothing I can do to stop it. I have 2 choices:
1) Dread the new
year’s coming and give myself an ulcer worrying about it (which Scripture
clearly tells us in Matthew 6 that it helps nothing so refrain from doing so).
2) Embrace the gift of a new year God has given my family and I.
Another opportunity to live for Him. Another opportunity to learn about Him.
Another chance to witness, dream, and live this beautiful life He’s given! Duh!
I want to choose the second option! But why is it so easy to type, yet so difficult
to live out? Oh, right. BECAUSE I’M HUMAN! The truth is, if we’re honest with
ourselves and before God…you’re scared, too. We fear the new year, are
discontent with our blessings, or are at the very least holding on to guilt of
failure from this year. If you don’t think you belong in any of these categories…what
a blessing that is in and of itself!
I normally post things on FB and get some likes and
responses. Rarely do I get questions. My friend Seth asked me yesterday if
anyone is actually scared of New Year’s Eve, and upon learning that I am, asked
why? I had to think about how to put my seemingly crazy thoughts into words.
Like God is always so faithful to do, He quickly gave me confidence to be
honest about my fear. That’s right. I’m not a perfect person, and I have lots
of fears. He also showed me a blog written and shared by the great Ann Voskamp.
Yah, I know right? She struggles with this, too? Yes. SHE’S HUMAN, TOO! Her
blog used a music scenario (again, God knows how much music is a part of me).
Like Ann, my fear of a new year stems from the realization
that failures, fallen plans, unexpected hurts, new struggles, and unfulfilled
dreams have made their marks all over this year. I need a do-over. I need a
reset button. I just don’t feel ready to move forward until I can “fix” or
fulfill my past year. As I think about the “things” I want a do-over with, it
all seems quite silly. For example, I am 15 lbs. shy of my goal weight for the
year. Really? Now why in the world couldn’t I have skipped a few helpings of
mashed potatoes, or servings of pasta to lose that? Sigh. I only sang two
specials at church this year, my kitchen and garage are no where near
organized, I’ve yet to find a satisfactory homeschool schedule, we are still in
debt, I’m not really eating healthier, I’ve yet to start either of my books, we
didn’t even make it out of town for our anniversary, and my Scripture memory
goal is far from met. See. Do-ever worthy. Isn’t it?
Just as Ann wrote “how do you step hopeful into the next
year when you tripped messy through this last year? How do you stand brave with
the smiling rest and ring in the new year when the old year still feels a bit
like a milestone around the neck?” She goes on to encourage her readers with an
experience her daughter had at a piano lesson. Her daughter (Hope) was nervous
and shaking. When it was her turn to sit at the piano, she began to play
multiple wrong notes. While she could have bailed on the piece, Hope managed to
not allow herself to get distracted from the other girl’s success, or her
missed notes. She began to feel the music. She dove into it as if nothing had
gone wrong. As Ann tells it, she moved forward.
The music of my heart has been the same all year long. Even
now, in the midst of my fear, it sings a song of gratefulness to God for the
many blessings He has given me this year. It plays to the tune of a hope in
Jesus like I’ve never known before. He gives me a piece to play. When I choose
to play along with Him, it can be so beautiful! But it’s times like New Year’s
Eve that I tend to put the music of my heart on mute and focus on the wrong
notes I’ve hit this year. So much so, that I just eventually stop playing.
These wrong notes…the times I attempt to take my life in my own hands. When I
try to move forward without God, disobey Him because of discontentment, fear,
or selfishness…
Well, as of now the mute button is off! I’m more than determined to
listen to the music of my heart! Just like Peter, I tend to keep talking and
trying and providing solutions….when I just need to listen. Keep playing the notes
I’m given. Move forward! I’m listening to the music playing in my heart so
loudly as I write this, I can’t help but smile! I’m determined to stand brave
with the smiling rest and smile with them. Not a fake smile, but a genuine know-God-has-plans-for-me-and-I-trust-Him
smile! I’m moving forward. I know that I will hit the wrong keys from time to
time. This has the potential to be humiliating, nerve-racking, and confusing. But Jesus is the music of my heart…He’s my Teacher. My Teacher Who will
forgive my mistakes and guide my hands to the correct next notes. As Ann wrote,
“Failing is really a gaining experience. Fall into whatever comes next. Fear is
always the first step of faith. When a piece starts to fall apart-fall forward.
Fall forward into the next year. Moving forward is what makes music.”
Before I leave you with this blog, I want to encourage you
to fall with me. Like a father catches his child as they leap forward into his
arms, so our Heavenly Father will surely catch us as we fall forward into His!
Thank you Ann Voskamp! Thank You Father God!
Phil 3:13-14
13 Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, 14 I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.
Please check out Ann Voskamp’s blog! You will love it! My explanation of her story doesn't do her words justice! Check it out! :)
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